A Gift for the Remembering Self
June 29, 2015
A few months ago, Laura Vanderkam used a term in a blog post
that intrigued me: the remembering self. Vanderkam described riding the train
to New York (from her home in Pennsylvania) on a Saturday night to hear a
Christmas concert, even though she was pregnant, the weather was bad, she’d
endured a difficult week, and so on. She wrote, “The remembering self deserves
consideration in decisions too, not just the present self.”
This term resonated with me so much that I commented: “I
love the phrase ‘the remembering self.’ It reminds me that often it’s the
things we don’t do that we regret later in life.” She responded: “I think it’s as much that the remembering self
and the experiencing self [or the present self] value different things. The
experiencing self is never 100% happy, because it occupies a corporal body that
experiences little annoyances like an itchy nose, needing a bathroom before the
concert starts, etc. The remembering self looks back on the wash of the
experience and doesn’t see all of these details. It’s easy to over-value the
experiencing self because it’s what we’re currently occupying, but the
remembering self deserves some consideration in all this too.” (Read the entire
post here.)
Sometimes I let my experiencing self run the show too much.
If it’s hard, scary, or uncomfortable, my experiencing self doesn’t want any
part of it. (She’s kind of a wimp.) If I let her dictate what I do, my poor
remembering self has nothing of interest to reflect on! Remembering self is not
impressed by excuses.
All this is on my mind because last week I checked off an
item on my summer bucket list: I took Tank to the beach.
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| All photos taken by Gayle Bryan |
I confess that though I wanted (in theory) to take my horse
to the beach, I was anxious about actually doing it. I knew it would be very,
very hot, I knew I’d be riding with a bareback pad and halter instead of a
saddle and bridle, and I knew that my horse can get excited and strong (i.e.,
hard to control) when he goes to a new place. I knew the trip would take most
of a day, and that I’d be good for almost nothing after spending so much time
in the sun, thereby throwing off my weekly schedule. I knew I’d have to wake up
earlier than normal and to come up with the money to pay for the trip. My
“experiencing self” was full of worries and complaints. But I managed to shut
her up for a little while so I could give my remembering self this gift.
And while my experiencing self did endure some uncomfortable
moments, they’re becoming hazier by the day. My remembering self is already
delighted to look back on the adventure and proud of herself for stepping out
of her comfort zone. I know Tank enjoyed the change of scenery, but he was less
than enamored with actually going in the water, even though all three of the
other horses marched right in, and a couple of them went in deep enough to
swim. Some of his expressed thoughts:
“This stuff moves. Is it really safe to walk in it?”
“There’s too much slimy green stuff along the edge, it looks
like it might grab me.”
“WHAT IS THAT BLACK
THING ON THE SAND?!” (It was a discarded t-shirt.)
Despite his skepticism, he eventually relaxed and splashed
through the water with everyone else, and when we were on the beach itself, I
gave him his head so he could explore, which he loved. And he especially loved
snacking on the patches of grass we found. Instead of merely walking on the
beach, we trotted and cantered on the sand and it was totally awesome. Even
experiencing self had to agree.
When you feel overwhelmed at the thought of something you
really want to do, how can you help the experiencing self to relax so you can
give your remembering self this gift? It helps me to learn all I can about the
upcoming event/experience, to look for support from friends or family, and to ease
into what I want to do in a way that feels comfortable to me. And even if it’s
still scary, I know my memory of it will likely smooth over the fear and
remember the joy. Some things will just be more fun to have done than to do.
What are some memories your remembering self especially
enjoys?
6 comments
What fun! You two look like you're absolutely having a blast and I have no doubt the happy endorphins of doing this will last a long while!
ReplyDeleteI'm fascinated by the ideas you've presented here about the differences between the remembering self and the experiencing self. I'd never thought of it quite like that before. And good for you for taking Tank to the beach. It looks like you both had a great time.
ReplyDeleteLaure--We did have fun. I think Tank did, too, overall. He doesn't look too reluctant in these photos anyway!
ReplyDeleteCheryl--I thought it was a nice new (to me) way to look at pushing through fear and discomfort to do something you want to do, but are a little reluctant about, for whatever reason.
ReplyDeleteOh it is so nice to see you and Tank at the beach. This is a very thoughtful post. Going over to check out the link. I had never thought about how while in the present we get caught up in the small discomforts but when we look back the feelings are different. Great concept. As always I so enjoy my visit here. Have a delightful week and enjoy your reading time. Hugs
ReplyDeleteDebbie--Thanks for your visit--as always, I appreciate your comments. I wish I'd thought of the remembering self term, but I'm not above borrowing it from Laura Vanderkam. She's a very interesting and positive writer--I'm sure you'll enjoy her work.
ReplyDelete