Feeding the wolf

The Wolf You Feed

November 12, 2021

Photo by Vincent van Zalinge on Unsplash

Does it feel like the world has become a darker, scarier place? It does to me.

In a recent conversation with a friend, we discussed, jokingly (wishfully?), going back to a time when we were not as intimately aware of the many problems facing mankind, whether it was because we were younger and more innocent, absorbed in our own lives, or simply because we did not have 24/7 news from the farthest flung reaches of the earth thrust into our faces at every turn. We know that’s not possible, or even desirable, but…

It’s hard to be happy when there is so much misery all around.

Of course, it’s anyone’s guess if the world truly is more miserable right now, compared to historical times that include the Dark Ages, the Black Death, and the Holocaust, just to name three examples. Perhaps we are just more aware of the misery because of that 24/7 news cycle. 

It’s a question I ponder over and over: how to be happy while still having compassion for others. How to be aware but not feel overwhelmed. How to remain kind and open, instead of judgmental and angry.

The story of the two wolves

You’ve probably heard the story of the two wolves (or dogs, in some versions), sometimes attributed to the Cherokee or Lenape people. Briefly, it goes like this: 

An elderly Cherokee brave explained to his grandson that a battle is taking place inside of people—a battle between two wolves. One wolf is evil, representing things like anger, jealousy, envy, greed, arrogance, self-pity, resentment, lies, false pride, and a feeling of superiority. The other represents good: such things as peace, joy, love, hope, humility, kindness, empathy, generosity, compassion, and truth. The grandson asked his grandfather, “Which wolf wins?”

The grandfather replied, “The wolf you feed.”

So I’m making a choice to feed the good wolf.

Feeding the good wolf will look different for each person. For me, it means choosing to hope and to look for good, rather than focusing on the negative, incompetent, frustrating, and evil. In my own situation, in order to feed the good wolf, I have to limit:

  • Stories (fictional or real) of mean people doing ugly things to each other.
  • Books/movies/TV shows where one bad thing after another happens to the characters, so that I’m constantly dreading what fresh hell these people will have to deal with.
  • Social media accounts of people with strong political opinions, even ones I tend to agree with overall. Too often complicated situations are reduced to memes, and the comments sections suck me in and stir up my emotions.
  • “Doomscrolling”—immersing myself in the negative news of the day.

What I (try to) do instead:

  • Notice and savor stories about kind things people do for each other, amazing scientific discoveries, beautiful art, hilarious videos. Among other sources, I follow Upworthy and subscribe to the Smile newsletter from inspiremore.com to help balance out negative news. 
  • Practice yoga. Very calming to my nervous system.
  • Listen to music—different types depending on my mood.
  • Learn more about topics that interest me.
  • Do “real” things like planting seeds, spending time with my animals, cooking and baking, even small home projects and repairs. I haven’t made it back to art journaling, but I still want to.
  • Tell my people important things: how much I love them, or how a certain thing they did was special to me.
  • Read a LOT—but carefully curate the selections (see above).
  • Keep track of happy little things. Watching birds and squirrels at the feeders, inhaling the scent of my horse, rubbing Luna’s soft ears, a hug from my husband. For more inspiration, see Ross Gay’s The Book of Delights, which is itself (you knew this was coming) a delight. 
  • Don’t make snap judgments or have opinions about everything. Try to see both sides of an argument or issue. If it’s something I need to understand, I will do research. If it’s not that important, I’ll let it go. There’s no shame in saying, “I don’t know enough about that to have an opinion.” I can’t care passionately about everything. I just can. not.

Finding what works for you

I’m not saying we should ignore the wrongs and suffering in the world in favor of “always looking on the bright side.”  I’m saying we should know ourselves, and what we can handle. What balance we as individuals can stand before tipping into overwhelm. What stories can energize us to make a difference, and which ones will make us crawl in a hole and pull the hole in after us.

I’m saying that if we feed the good wolf in ourselves, then maybe we can feed the good wolf in society in general. If we can seek and be the positive, maybe we can be the people who make a situation better rather than worse.

Wouldn’t that be a nice change?

In what ways do you “feed the good wolf”?


Daffodils

It's Not All Daffodils and Donuts

April 06, 2015


Friday I wrote about my trip to Georgia, and I realized after I posted that I had only included only what was positive during the trip. That’s what people usually want to read about, not necessarily a list of complaints about what went wrong, but it made me feel a little dishonest. The trip was excellent, and had very few bumps and bruises, but it did have a few. For example: just before we left, I got sick (with a cold) for the first time in at least two years. While I was gone, my husband had a rough week with our elderly dog and it worried me enough to consider coming home a day early. I got a cold sore part way through the trip, and Marianne got into some poison ivy that she’s still coping with. I tell you this to remind you (and myself) that few things are unadulteratedly perfect. Most experiences are a mix of good and bad, happy and sad, thrilling and annoying. It’s up to us to choose what to focus on. And when we choose to focus on the good, our memories usually, kindly, allow the bad to fade away.

Life isn’t all daffodils and donuts—sometimes it’s cold sores and poison ivy. So the next time you’re facing something that is not living up to your expectations or is more difficult or unpleasant than expected, there are a couple of ways to help yourself through. For instance, you can think about how you’ll enjoy having done whatever-it-is when you’re through (childbirth comes to mind here…) or how great the end result will be. (Again, childbirth comes to mind, but there are plenty of less extreme examples!)

The Georgia trip was filled by far with more delights than difficulties, but even if the balance had fallen the other way, I would have tried to look for the good. What good does it do to focus on the bad? That’s not what I want more of in my life. I much prefer the daffodils and donuts.

When you face difficulties, how do you focus on the positive?

Delight

While Walking the Dog at Two A.M.

March 16, 2015

My dog Scout will be 16 years old on Sunday, and as you might expect, she has some health issues. One of them is that she can’t always sleep through the night without having to relieve herself. Her bed is on a chair on my side of the room, so I’m the one who hears her jump down, and I’m the one who slips on her leash and takes her outside. Usually, I try not to wake up all the way so that I’ll stand a chance of going back to sleep, but this morning, at 2 a.m., I found myself looking up at the stars while I waited for Scout. The air felt cool and fresh, Orion’s belt twinkled in the night sky. The neighborhood was silent, peaceful. Scout was quick, and I returned to my warm bed and quickly fell asleep. What could have been (and often is) an annoyance turned into a moment of delight for me.

I’ve been working on going with the flow, relaxing my death grip on life and paying more attention to little moments of delight when they’re presented to me: when my favorite song comes on the radio, when Prudy jumps up on my desk for some attention, when I grab my book and steal some reading time in the afternoon. It’s easy to find delight in things like that—not quite so easy to find delight when woken at 2 a.m., and I admit that I’m more likely to complain about that situation than to recount how lovely the stars look sparkling in the velvety darkness… Just this once, though, I was able to let go and admire the night sky. It was unexpectedly delightful. I’m not sure I would have found it so without my recent focus on delight. Which goes to show, I guess, that you find more of what you focus on.

Has anything unexpectedly delighted you recently?

Oh, sure, sleep NOW...

#100HappyDays challenge

Three Ways to Focus on Happy Moments

January 06, 2014


Sometimes an idea just keeps presenting itself to me until I have to pay attention. In this case, the idea is noticing and recording things that make me happy.

First, I read about something called the “What-Went-Well Exercise” (also called “Three Blessings”), in Martin Seligman’s book, Flourish. He writes, “Every night for the next week, set aside ten minutes before you go to sleep. Write down three things that went well today and why they went well. You may use a journal or your computer to write about the events, but it is important that you have a physical record of what you wrote. The three things need not be earthshaking in importance…but they can be important.” (Seligman also encourages recording why the event happened, but I find that more problematic—many of my happy events, like “I rode Tank today” or even “I finished everything on my to-do list today,” don’t seem to have a “why” beyond “I just did it.” Maybe I’m missing something?) 

Next, I heard about the 100 Happy Days Challenge. Every day submit a picture of what made you happy to a social media site such as Instagram, Facebook or Twitter, with the public hashtag #100HappyDays. If you don’t want to do this publicly, you can come up with your own hashtag that you share only with those you want to see your photos, or you can send your photos to myhappyday(at)100happydays.com. (Of course, you don’t need to share your photos with anyone, but it helps keep you on track and “honest” if you do.)

According to the challenge organizers, “People successfully completing the challenge claimed to:
  • Start noticing what makes them happy every day;
  • Be in a better mood every day;
  • Start receiving more compliments from other people;
  • Realize how lucky they are to have the life they have;
  • Become more optimistic;
  • Fall in love during the challenge.”

Doesn’t that sound great? For more information, or to sign up for the challenge, click here. 

My third exposure to this idea came from Dani Dipirro at Positively Present: The Jar of Happy Things. During all of 2013, she wrote down favorite moments on bright scraps of paper, storing them in a jar (she had so many she had to buy a second jar!). I love the visual of the jar filling up with happy moments, and the idea of being able to read through a year’s worth of them all at once. Her post, titled “Five Benefits of Noting Happy Moments,” is worth a read. 

Why do any of these things? My reasons include, first, awareness in the present moment of all that is good and happy in my life. I have the habit of allowing myself to worry about what is not going right—or what bad things might happen in the future—instead of appreciating the good things (and there are plenty of them) right now.

Second, actually recording happy moments should help me remember them in the future if and when bad things happen.

Third, what you focus on expands. My hope is that by focusing on the happy moments, I will have more of them!

I’ve been doing the “What Went Right” exercise most nights since I first read about it, and I’m quite tempted to join the #100HappyDays Challenge—I love the idea of a photographic record of happiness! What about you? How do you keep track of the happy moments in your life?

Eyes

The Eyes Have It

September 23, 2013

Don't look down.
Since Tank’s lips were still too sore for a bit, when I rode him this weekend I used only my halter and lead rope. Since I had no reins with which to communicate, I had to use my eyes, seat and legs to tell Tank where to go and how fast. Notice I said “eyes”—with or without a bridle, one of the rules of riding is to look where you want to go. Sounds simple, right? It is, in theory, but it’s awfully easy to find yourself looking down at the horse, or at the ground, or even in another direction than the way you really want to go. The horse gets conflicting signals and probably doesn’t go anywhere at all.

Remarkably like life, wouldn’t you say? We need to focus our attention on the direction in which we want to travel. Don’t look at obstacles, but beyond them to our chosen destinations. Don’t look backwards, because that’s not where we’re going. Focus on what we want rather than what we don’t want, because according to Peter Jones in How to Do Everything and Be Happy, “It simply isn’t possible to not focus on something. The very act of NOT thinking about something requires your brain to conjure up images of the thing you don’t want to think about, so you can ignore it. The only way not to focus on the wrong thing is to switch your focus to something else.”

We have no control over many things that happen to us or are a part of our lives, but we can choose the direction we look, what we focus on. Are we looking forward to where we want to go? Focusing on the obstacles or the opportunities? Looking for the positive or the negative? 
What are some things you’d like to focus on?