Recently we had some small dead trees cut down, leaving open
space we’ve never had before in our naturally-landscaped backyard. The fall of those trees
crushed the ferns growing beneath them, and that whole area of the yard wears a
shocked look, like it doesn’t know what happened to it. Nearby, a tall pine,
uprooted and left leaning by Hurricane Irma, continues its slow decay, occasionally
dropping branches onto the ground. Even though we have mild winters in Florida,
there’s a lot of dead stuff. While it’s never pristine, our yard currently
looks, shall we say, disheveled.
Yet at the same time, new growth is everywhere. Pale green
oak leaves burst out beneath their canopies of Spanish moss and some of my favorite
flowers are blooming. Simultaneously beautiful and a mess.
That’s kind of how I feel.
As time does its healing work, the internal walls I put in
place to keep going when I had to, even though it was unbearably hard, are
collapsing and the emotions and questions I have about that surreal period when
both my mother-in-law and mom were dying (it’s a blur) are bubbling to the
surface.
I find myself with questions and regrets about how my adult
relationship with my mom played out. In particular, how far away we lived from
each other. I missed out on frequent, “ordinary” things, like going shopping
together, and I worry that I neglected her in ways I didn’t understand because
I wasn’t there to see her struggles. My mom was my bedrock person, the one who
loved me best. Though we had differences of opinion and viewpoint, I never
doubted her love, and I did not have to do anything to earn it. I’m coming to
terms with what it means to lose that.
At the same time, I’m deeply enjoying creative projects;
delighting in beautiful spring weather; feeling love for my family, friends,
and animals; savoring simple pleasures and everyday adventures whenever I
experience them.
Even while I was going through my mom’s decline and death,
sitting by her bedside daily, watching her slip away, even as I felt such great
sorrow and grief, I noticed that I could still find comfort and even joy in
certain things…many of them small. It was like the dial of my emotional
sensitivity was turned up high—even though I was excruciatingly sad, I could
take deep pleasure in a walk in nature, eating a favorite meal, or using an app
to identify bird songs. I could be both sad and happy—broken and blooming.
As I wrote in the October 2023 edition of the Happy Little Thoughts newsletter, “This year has brought home to me the truth that even
though we often perceive the world in extremes of either/or, life is really
more a case of both/and.
“We can feel multiple emotions at the same time: sorrow over
losing a loved one and relief that they’re no longer suffering.
“I’m working on making my thinking more flexible. Allowing
myself to feel joy and grief, without judging either one. Allowing life to
unfold as both wonderful and challenging...because, frankly, that's what it is,
and what it's always been.”
Even though I’ve outwardly held it together and “been strong”
for what feels like forever, inside I have broken and tender places. But there
are also blooms pushing their way upward, little tendrils of joy reaching for
the light.
There is no question that this world holds unfathomable heartache.
We see it on our screens, and in the eyes of those we love, and sometimes in
our own faces in the mirror. But don’t forget that this world also holds joy,
love, pleasure, and beauty, too.
I came across these perfect quotes from @motherwortandrose on
Instagram this week:
“You get to experience enchantment even if you are deeply
heartbroken by the world.”
“You are allowed to experience beauty and pleasure even when you are heartbroken.”
My mission on Catching Happiness has always been to focus on
the simple pleasures and adventures of a happy life, rather than the
heartbreak. Over the past year, I’ve found that increasingly more difficult,
but I’m still committed to that goal. I hope today holds more enchantment,
beauty, and pleasure than heartbreak for all of us. If you’d like to share
something that lifted your spirits recently, we’d love to hear about it! Please
share in the comments below.