—Dawna Markova, I Will Not Die an Unlived Life

I’m sorry I didn’t post on Monday. I wanted to, but I was suffering the aftereffects of a weekend spent having my mind blown.

My friend Marianne and I attended the Tampa stop of the Parelli Horse and Soul Tour Dec. 1-2. We spent two days perched on uncomfortable bleachers, trying to absorb all we could from each session. Sessions included information on the Parelli program’s Seven Games, “Horsenality” (personality types of horses) and rider biomechanics, as well as “spotlights” featuring Parelli-trained humans and their horses and a couple of “horse makeover” segments in which Pat or Linda Parelli worked with an individual and her horse to overcome problems they were having. We saw some remarkable examples of horsemanship, both on the ground and in the saddle. I won’t go into all the details of what we learned, but I will share with you three concepts/lessons I took away.

“Where knowledge ends, violence begins”

Pat Parelli said this in one of our first sessions and it was easy to see how this is true of more than just horse/human relations. When we don’t understand someone or something, we can become afraid. And when we’re afraid, anger and violence too often follow close behind. The more I learn about horse behavior, particularly my horse’s behavior, the gentler I can be with him, and the more he will trust me. The more I understand other people, the gentler I can be with them as well.

“Let the horse make the mistake”

Instead of micromanaging the horse, trying to prevent him from doing the wrong thing, allow him to make a mistake. Then correct him and teach him the right thing to do. (Parelli pointed out that micromanaging is really like nagging.) This really struck me because I know I sometimes micromanage Tank. Ask, wait, correct if necessary. That’s it. Don’t ask, ask, ask louder…

I easily see how this can be applied to how I deal with myself and with others. How do I feel when someone nags or micromanages me? I do this to myself all the time, because it seems like I have a pathological fear of making mistakes and doing things “wrong.” I have to remember that making mistakes is necessary for learning. I need to relax about them, allow them to happen, and then learn from them without browbeating myself in the process.

“Use lateral (not linear) thinking to problem-solve”

Linear thinking follows a step-by-step process, essential if you’re putting something together or cooking a complicated recipe, for example. Lateral thinking uses creativity and an indirect approach, like when you’re brainstorming ideas or actively problem-solving. Lateral thinking is essential when working with horses because every problem that comes up is different because every horse and human partnership is different. If you ask a horse to do something, and he either doesn’t do it or freaks out about it, you’ve got a problem that needs lateral thinking.

I’m not very good at lateral thinking. I’d rather know that if I do X then Y will happen. So often I do X and Q happens and I’m not sure what to do next. Maybe I should try B or Z or even 7? I want to develop creativity and flexibility in my thinking, both with my horse and in the rest of my life. (It’s easy to think of other situations that need lateral thinking—perhaps motivating a teenager to do something he doesn’t want to do?)

Last weekend reignited my passion for playing with my horse and building a stronger partnership with him. I always enjoy my time with Tank, but now I can’t wait to get to the barn. In fact, that’s where I’ll be this morning! Trying out my knowledge and lateral thinking, and letting him (and myself) make mistakes. 

Has anything blown your mind lately?

Finally we had some gorgeous, fall-like weather this weekend, so my husband, mother-in-law and I checked out an orchid show and sale at the USF Botanical Gardens in Tampa. Lucky for us, there were only 12 vendors. We still managed to buy six orchids.

It’s a sickness, I tell you.

My husband and I go for variety in both size and color. I’m partial to scented orchids, my husband likes the dramatic and unusual ones. (If it’s variety you want, orchids are your flower: according to Wikipedia, orchids are one of the largest families of flowering plants, with more than 20,000 species found in 880 genera. Horticulturalists have produced more than 100,000 hybrids and cultivars since the introduction of tropical species in the 19th century.)

The new additions joined their brethren on our lanai where I hope they’ll be happy. One of my next chores needs to be writing down what types of orchids I have and what conditions they like.

I never thought I’d be interested in orchids. I’ve always preferred flowers like peonies, hydrangeas, roses. I can’t grow those here in Florida—at least not very successfully. (I’ve also become resigned to the lack of tulips and daffodils in my life.) But I can grow orchids—they thrive in our humid climate, so I’m going with the flow. If I can’t have a cottage garden, I’ll have a tropical one instead. At least I have flowers.

Here are the new additions. This one is tiny:

At the other extreme, this vanda is huge: 

This one, also a vanda, is scented:

Just love the color of this:

This was unlabeled, but I think it’s a phaleonopsis:

I don’t know what this is, either, and am not sure of what the label says. Any ideas?

It felt good to be outside (and not be sweaty), to drink in the beauty of the flowers, to be with people I love, while at the same time fanning my passion for orchids. A satisfactory Saturday.

How have you fed your passions lately?

Since choosing “passion” as my word of the year, I’ve felt peculiarly passion-less. Ho hum. Frustrated and overwhelmed, yes. Lazy, yup. Motivated to pursue my passions? Uh, not really. What’s wrong with me?

Apparently, just choosing passion as a watchword doesn’t do it for me. I actually have to think about passion and do something to ignite it. In pondering this subject, I’ve found a few ways to reignite my flickering pilot light—maybe you’d be interested in hearing about what I’ve learned?

Perhaps the simplest trick is to set myself a specific and achievable goal. My horse, Tank, is one of my passions, but this time of year because of the heat and humidity, I find it more and more difficult to get myself down to the barn. When I’m there, I often choose not to do anything with him, but groom him and let him graze. Despite the whole “I can’t believe I have a horse” thing, I get just the tiniest bit bored, and we don’t really make any progress as a team. Hanging out is fine, but there are many things I’d like to learn—like trick or agility training, and how to do equine massage—and I want to keep up with our Parelli Natural Horsemanship games. While it’s still hot, I usually go to the barn about three times a week. One of those days, we’ll probably just continue to hang out, but I plan to have a goal, even if it’s a small one, for the other two days.

 Usually, I resist adding things to my schedule. I don’t like the feeling of being too busy, too scattered, pulled in 100 different directions. But I’ve noticed that sometimes if I’m feeling blasé, it’s because I’m not experiencing anything new—I’m stuck in a rut of same old, same old. Adding something fun, different, exciting can be just the spark that ignites a new passion, or reignites an old one. Right now, I’m taking one of Laure Ferlita’s terrific online classes. For a modest time investment, I’m having a ball revisiting San Francisco through the pages of my sketchbook.

Sure, you say. Adding something sounds great but how can I pack one more thing into my full schedule? To make room, I take something away. Don’t tell anyone, but my favorite thing to get rid of is household chores—I skip dusting, or order dinner instead of cooking it. I don’t shop or go to the library as often as usual. I also reduce my TV watching in favor of more enriching activities.

During the Summer Olympics, I watched hours of equestrian events on TV. I got excited watching those experts and their spectacular horses, and I took that excitement with me to the barn. Whatever your chosen passion, search out someone who’s really good at your shared passion. Don’t compare yourself or become discouraged because you’re not as good—be inspired by her or his accomplishments. I’ll never be an Olympic equestrian, but I can be a better rider and partner to Tank.

Once a month, I take a day off. I don’t do anything I don’t want to do. I don’t clean, cook, do laundry, run errands. I write only if I feel like it. (I always read!) Sometimes I go see Tank, and sometimes I hang out at home all day. I try not to get sucked into mindless web surfing, but if that’s what I feel like doing, I let myself. It takes a bit of life arrangement to do this, but surprisingly, I find that after just one day in which I don’t let myself work, I come back to the usual routine with lots more energy and passion.

None of these tips is revolutionary in any way, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy to implement them. Many days, especially during the hot summer months, all I want to do is flop on the couch and watch a movie, or curl up someplace cool with a book. It takes effort to pursue passions—but if I put in that effort, that little spark of passion burns up into a steady flame. My goal is to look back on a passionate life lived—not realize I wasted too much of my time on the trivial.

What are your tips or tricks for staying interested in your passions?

Have you ever opened a library or second-hand book to find a trace of a previous reader in a left-behind bookmark? I love it when I come across someone’s marker—it feels like a tiny connection made between me and another presumably like-minded reader.

I’m not the only one who feels this way. I just finished a fascinating little book, ForgottenBookmarks: A Bookseller’s Collection of Odd Things Lost Between the Pages, by Michael Popek.

Popek, who serves as manager of his family’s used-book business, loves his most important task: buying and sorting books. (Lucky!) As he wrote in the introduction, “What I found is that I loved the fact that I could come across nearly anything: a moldy copy of Ulysses, a Victorian-era scrapbook filled with trade cards, a first edition of Steinbeck. This treasure hunt still remains my favorite part of bookselling and led directly to my fascination with forgotten bookmarks.” Popek aptly terms the left-behind page markers “treasures within treasures.” Collecting this ephemera became an unlikely passion for Popek who was surprised to find how interested others were in this unusual hobby. He started his blog forgottenbookmarks.com in 2007 and the book followed from there.

Each spread in Forgotten Bookmarks shows a picture of the marker left behind as well as the cover of the book in which it was found. Popek’s collection includes everything from four-leaf clovers to recipes, postcards, letters (some heart-breaking), drawings, ticket stubs, photos, baseball cards, unused cap gun caps, and a few more unusual items.

Collecting bookmarks is one of my simple pleasures, and though I have plenty of them, I still find myself shoving whatever is to hand into my books to mark my place until I can put in a “real” one. I also have a few books that I like to refer back to from time to time, and I’ve left markers other than bookmarks in some of them. A quick scan of my shelves and I find I’ve used the following to mark my place: a small notebook page with two web addresses I want to check out, a “Non Sequitur” comic strip, a publishing house order form, a page torn from a page-a-day calendar, and a strip of paper with a typed writing quote (“In my view a writer is a writer because even when there is no hope, even when nothing you do shows any sign of promise, you keep writing anyway”—Juno Diaz). I usually make sure I flip through any books I’m returning to the library or trading/donating for anything left behind, but now I’m reconsidering. I might just leave something in the next book I get rid of, as a way of saying hello to the next reader who picks it up.

I’ll tell you how I’m doing…what was my word of the year again?

Yup. Haven’t paid one bit of attention to the concept after the initial excitement of choosing the word. Am I afraid of it? Unsure where to start? Too busy with daily life to ponder what passion means to me and how to get more of it in my life? Probably a little of all those things. I’ve done a few things that I feel passionate about—rode and played with Tank, traveled, took an art class—but I haven’t connected passion with any of those things.  I haven’t let it motivate me or keep me going when I wanted to quit. I haven’t allowed it to flow through me the way I wanted to.

So. What now? Well, I have half a year left—I mean to make the most of it. I’ll start asking myself what I feel passion for, or even how I can ignite passion about some of my less-exciting everyday activities. With a little more thoughtfulness and imagination, the second half of 2012 may turn out to be more exciting (in a good way) than the first half. That’s one of the beauties of life: every day you can start over, take one more baby step towards the life you want to lead.

If you chose a word of the year, how has it influenced you so far? And if you didn't, has your year seemed to have any kind of theme?