Anxiety

At 2 A.M.

May 29, 2012

I had no trouble falling asleep over my book, so I turned out the light around 10:45. But now it’s 2 a.m. and I’m awake. My mind has begun to turn, like a merry go-round, starting slowly but picking up speed. My husband has chosen tonight to snore—not loudly, but vigorously enough to keep me awake. I try to relax, to breathe, to capture pleasant thoughts, but it’s all for nothing. “Snxxkkll,” says my husband, and the breeze from the ceiling fan seems unusually strong. I can’t get comfortable.

My mind seizes the opportunity to highlight whatever flaws and character defects it wants me to know about, thrusting them up for consideration. I think of three more things, minor but necessary, that I will add to the to-do list for the week. I feel overwhelmed by how long that list is growing. Soon I’m having a full-blown anxiety attack and all hope for immediate sleep has fled. I know that I lead a richly blessed life—that I am not in need in any real way. But tell that to my mind at 2 a.m.

I repair to the guest room where I turn the TV on low, just loud enough that I can barely hear it. I find this soothing. Eventually I fall asleep, only to be woken at 4:18 a.m. by my son’s alarm clock, the aptly-named Sonic Bomb. I storm into his room, which adjoins the guest room, and change the time on his alarm to a more reasonable hour, muttering imprecations (Why was the alarm set for 4:18 in the first place? Inquiring minds still want to know.) However, he hit the snooze button at 4:18, instead of turning off the alarm, so it goes off again at 4:28.  This time, the dog, who sleeps with him, decides she requires a bathroom break.

By now, it’s getting dangerously close to the time my own alarm clock is set for. Should I try to get a little more sleep? Do I need the TV again? Mmm, this bed is pretty comfortable...

Wait—is that my husband getting his coffee in the kitchen?

Nuts.

What do you do at 2 a.m.?

Oh, sure, sleep now...

Nourish

How's That Passion Thing Workin' Out For Ya?

May 25, 2012


You might recall how back in January I chose “passion” as my word of the year, and “nourish” as a secondary word/focus. Since then, I haven’t said one word about the word of the year on this blog…not one. (I did mention “nourish” in Beyond the Junk Food of Life.) So, you might be thinking, when you’re not busy pondering much more important matters, I wonder how Kathy is doing with her quest for passion in 2012? (Of course you’re not—you have your own life to live and possibly even your own word of the year to ponder—but humor me, people.)

I’ll tell you how I’m doing…what was my word of the year again?

Yup. Haven’t paid one bit of attention to the concept after the initial excitement of choosing the word. Am I afraid of it? Unsure where to start? Too busy with daily life to ponder what passion means to me and how to get more of it in my life? Probably a little of all those things. I’ve done a few things that I feel passionate about—rode and played with Tank, traveled, took an art class—but I haven’t connected passion with any of those things.  I haven’t let it motivate me or keep me going when I wanted to quit. I haven’t allowed it to flow through me the way I wanted to.

So. What now? Well, I have half a year left—I mean to make the most of it. I’ll start asking myself what I feel passion for, or even how I can ignite passion about some of my less-exciting everyday activities. With a little more thoughtfulness and imagination, the second half of 2012 may turn out to be more exciting (in a good way) than the first half. That’s one of the beauties of life: every day you can start over, take one more baby step towards the life you want to lead.

If you chose a word of the year, how has it influenced you so far? And if you didn't, has your year seemed to have any kind of theme?

Chocolate

Seize the Pleasure

May 23, 2012


Seize the flowers and chocolate...

“Why not seize the pleasure at once? How often is happiness destroyed by preparation, foolish preparation!”
— Jane Austen, Emma

Armchair travel

Armchair Travel: Take Off Without Taking Off

May 21, 2012


Palace of Fine Arts, San Francisco

I don’t know how many of you like to travel, but I love it. (You may have guessed that from some of my posts.) I don’t do as much of it as I’d like to, and until the day comes when I can take off on a whim for parts unknown, I’ll make do with armchair travel—which, come to think of it, would be good for those who do not want to travel, but would like to broaden their knowledge of the world in general.

Of course, reading books and watching movies set in different cities and countries is one of the best ways to get a taste of a location. My favorite getaway movies include Shirley Valentine, My Life in Ruins and Under the Tuscan Sun.  For books, I often return to old favorites The Enchanted April (also an excellent movie) or one of Mary Stewart’s older novels, set in Greece: This Rough Magic, The Moon-Spinners or My Brother Michael, for example.

Now, however, there are even more ways to get your travel fix without leaving your comfortable home. The internet has brought us closer together in a number of ways—there are websites devoted to cities, counties and nations with photos that can transport you there with the click of a mouse.

If you’re feeling really ambitious, you could learn a language. Rosetta Stone, Pimsleur and Tell Me More are three well-respected, fee-based options. You could also check out free podcasts on iTunes and elsewhere, or check out websites such as learnalanguage.com.

My current method of enjoying armchair travel is Laure Ferlita’s Imaginary Trip to Greece (see Imaginarytrips.com for a list of all Laure’s terrific classes). Not only am I improving my sketching skills, I’m also learning more about Greece with every lesson.

Erechtheion Porch of the Maidens
Whether I’m looking at someone else’s pictures or creating my own, armchair travel keeps me (somewhat) satisfied in between actual trips. How do you satisfy your yen for travel?

Happiness

Happy Little Things: Notebooks

May 18, 2012


I confess. In addition to being addicted to books, I also have a small notebook fetish. From the purse-sized notebook I carry for jotting things down on the run, to the multiple spiral or bound journals that congregate on my shelves, I own a number of notebooks that I’m actively using as well as ones that I haven’t yet cracked open. And even though I have plenty already, I cannot help but be drawn to displays of notebooks and journals wherever I am. I always have to pick them up to see how they feel and what kind of paper is inside. I try not to overbuy, but really, is it so bad to have separate notebooks for morning pages, a personal journal, books read, writing ideas and all things wordy? And maybe one or two ready and waiting for when I fill up one of the ones in use? (And then there are the sketchbooks. I have at least five of those with varying types of paper: sketch, watercolor, multi-media. But that's another story.) 

I guess it’s a fairly harmless and mostly inexpensive obsession—and it makes me happy. I’m all for noticing, savoring and encouraging the happy little things in life, and my notebook mania does makes me happy. I love every stage: browsing notebook choices, gloating over a shelf of blank notebooks, starting a new notebook and putting a period at the end of the last sentence of one I've filled up.  Then I can start the whole process over again!

What little thing has made you happy this week?

“Notebooks are like attics, a place for treasures which sometimes turn out to be junk, but take you anyway to another time and place.” —Cynthia MacDonald