Though most of us are not formally known as diplomats, many of us learn to be experts at domestic diplomacy, and the sorts of complex negotiations we find ourselves in can require a lot of patience. Here’s Dan Gerber, who lives in California, showing us some of that patience. [Introduction by Ted Kooser.]

Marriage

When you are angry it’s your gentle self

I love until that’s who you are.

In any case, I can’t love this anger any more

than I can warm my heart with ice.

I go on loving your smile

till it finds its way back to your face.

For several months, I’ve been toying with the idea of writing a post quoting you, my wise and witty readers—and today’s the day. Since I’ve been blogging these past three years, you’ve followed my ups and downs and chipped in with your advice and encouragement. Below you’ll find just a few of the comments that have made a difference to me in the last three years, in no particular order. Comments have been edited for length, but not changed in meaning.

From “What is This Feeling?”:

Sara: “A friend once told me to buy 5 x 7 cards and whenever you have ‘light’ moment or one that's happy and totally present, you write it down and keep them in one of those albums you can buy at a pharmacy for pictures.

Whenever you're feeling a loss of light, you look through it and remember the times when the ‘light’ was there.” 

From “Happiness Busters”:

Laure: “Some of my happiness busters are being overly tired, too much ‘news’ that I can't do anything about, and some of the ones you mention.

The words to one of the Eagles' songs, Already Gone, keep running through my mind,
‘...so oftentimes it happens we live our life in chains/That we never even know we have the key.....’

How often do we hold ourselves down, back, under, less than, not good enough, not enough and so on, when really…we are more than enough and far more? We just don't understand we are the key.”

From “Puzzled”:

Laure: “To my way of thinking there are seeds of bad in all good things that happen and seeds of good in all bad things that happen…it is up to us which we cultivate.”

Elizabeth: “I agree with Laure—there are seeds of both in every experience…and with Kathy and the story of the farmer—time will tell which is good or bad.

It seems to me that it is nearly always up to ME in how I choose to see an event. Sometimes stepping back to observe the big picture is all I need to adjust my thinking.”

From “The Importance of Mistakes”:

Kathy M: “The older that I get, the less hard I am on myself and on others. I wish that I had done many things different, but, look, it has all turned out fine in spite of myself.

Long ago I heard that regret in a way insults the person that I was long ago, before I knew better. Life is a journey, and perhaps when we are better at forgiving ourselves we become better at forgiving others.”

From “RX for Troubled Times”:

Timaree: “Sometimes we get frozen in the litany of things happening all around of which we have little say. Mother Teresa used to tell people when they asked what they could do, to love and take care of their families. That's our first and most important job and when that is taken care of, we can branch out. Like you, I would love to see a world of people being kind to one another. It has to start somewhere and if taking care of ourselves gets us going then let's do it. I read on another post today about a smile that led to one thing and then another and another. That's something we should all be able to do—give a smile. They can be contagious as a yawn.”

If you choose to participate, the rules are as follows:

My husband and I celebrated the day by exchanging cards and small gifts, then going to see Les Miserables, a movie we’ve looked forward to since we first saw the trailer months ago. Does that sound unromantic? I admit it’s not a trip to a bed-and-breakfast complete with champagne and chocolates, but we’ve done our fair share of that. After 25 years, we’ve learned that romance is wonderful but it’s not the only thing that keeps a marriage strong. Being honest about needs and wants, putting in the time and effort to keep a home running and income flowing, working together as well as playing together—these things, unromantic as they are, hold a marriage together over the course of a lifetime.  Romance is only the beginning. Marriage is acting loving when you’re not feeling that way, forgiving when you don’t think you can, and finding someone who is willing to do the same for you. Just like happiness is not just about “happy” events.

According to Chase’s Calendar of Events, National Nothing Day was created “to provide Americans with one National day when they can just sit without celebrating, observing or honoring anything.”

This day is just for you—so relax and enjoy it. (To learn more about National Nothing Day, if it’s not too much trouble, click here.) What won’t you do to celebrate?

 “Doing nothing is better than being busy doing nothing.”

—Lao Tzu

One of the best things about having a blog that focuses on happiness is “having” to read various happiness-themed books. I recently stumbled upon a cool one: The World Book of Happiness, edited by Leo Bormans. Bormans asked 100 experts in the field of positive psychology to sum up their work in 1,000 words or less, using terms the average person would understand. These insights were to be research based, not “spiritual philosophy.” Here are a few tidbits to whet your interest:

Once basic needs are met, more money does not equal more happiness. This is called the Happiness Paradox. (Stavros Drakopoulos)

While happiness can be pursued, we shouldn’t use the laws for outer achievement (“brute force and adrenaline-charged action”) in that pursuit. Instead, we should become “happiness detectives,” by observing our feelings, nurturing good times and always looking for new ways to increase happiness in ourselves and others. (Michael Hagerty)

In order to flourish, we should allow ourselves to feel (smile, laugh, cry when we need to), see, listen, taste and smell—participate in all the joys of life. Appreciate who and what we are, and anticipate and open ourselves to support from others. Ask for support if necessary, and provide it to those who need it. We are resilient, able to bounce back when faced with negatives, becoming stronger in the process. (D.J.W. Strumpfer)

Three universal components of happiness: Enjoyment—“possessing certain things that give one (passive) pleasure; contentedness—“the equilibrium between needs and satisfaction”; achievement—“the fulfillment of one’s capacities…doing what one enjoys.” (Doh Chull Shin)

We don’t need to feel obligated to be happy and shouldn’t think of happiness as a right. Sadness is a normal and healthy emotion, and is sometimes necessary and worthwhile. If we want to feel happy again, stop doing things that make us miserable, stop thinking about our own happiness and reach out to help someone else. (Grant Duncan)

Happiness is like a muscle—there are many things we can do to “train” it. Focus on happiness (instead of unhappiness) and it grows. The pursuit of happiness involves mind, body and spirit, and there are things we can do to nurture each of these aspects of ourselves which will help us develop greater happiness. (Miriam Akhtar)

I expect to be dipping in and out of this book for a while, and I’ll be sure to share with you any new or profound discoveries.