Lately I’ve been living with someone who has nothing good to say about me, who takes every opportunity to put me down and tell me I’m not good enough. In fact, she’s kind of a witch.

She’s my inner critic.

When I put pen to paper, she’s right there with “helpful” comments about how boring and bland my words are, and her most cutting criticism is that I have nothing to say. This criticism becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and suddenly I don’t have anything to say. No words come. I sit staring at my blank page, bereft of ideas, frustrated that my writing time is slipping away with nothing to show for itself.

My inner critic has nothing constructive to say. She (my inner critic is a she) only tries to shut me down. Nothing I do is ever good enough, and I am not even close to being “good enough.” If she has good intentions, she’s going about it all wrong.

You don’t have to be a writer, artist or “creative” person to suffer from an inner critic. You may have one who trashes your appearance, athletic ability, intelligence, childrearing, housekeeping, or level of hospitality. When an area of life is important to you, you may find you have a small—or large—inner voice criticizing you. Your inner critic may try to keep you from doing what you want, or it may lash out when you’ve been human and made an error.

Frankly, I’m tired of my inner critic’s B.S. I don’t need any inner voices tearing me down. If she has nothing helpful to say, she can just shut up. I don’t let real people talk to me like that—why do I let her get away with it? Here are four things I’m doing to shut up my inner critic:

I hope you don’t have such a vicious voice living inside your head, but if you do, try one or more of the above techniques to silence her. You don’t have to put up with that!

Do you have an inner critic? How do you silence him or her?

As you might expect, I have an interest in positive psychology, the relatively new branch of psychology that focuses not on treating mental illness, but on building mental health and increasing happiness.  Positive psychology is not just “happiology”—about feeling good all the time. It strives to understand the elements of a truly satisfying life.

In Flourish: A Visionary New Understanding of Happiness and Well-being, Martin  Seligman, a psychologist and one of the pioneers in the field of positive psychology, builds on (and explains the weaknesses of) his work on “authentic happiness theory,” refining it into what he calls well-being theory. Seligman writes, “I used to think that the topic of positive psychology was happiness, that the gold standard for measuring happiness was life satisfaction, and that the goal of positive psychology was to increase life satisfaction. I now think that the topic of positive psychology is well-being, that the gold standard for measuring well-being is flourishing, and that the goal of positive psychology is to increase flourishing.” 

In Flourish, Seligman adds two more elements (Relationships and Achievement) to the three elements already named in authentic happiness theory (remember them by using the mnemonic PERMA):

Each of these elements contributes to well-being without defining it.  Some are measured subjectively and others are measured objectively. Seligman added these additional dimensions because he feels that “life satisfaction holds too privileged a place in the measure of happiness” because “how much life satisfaction people report is itself determined by how good we feel at the very moment we are asked the question.” Many people who lack a natural cheerfulness may have more engagement and meaning in their lives than those who are more outwardly “happy.”

Flourish is an interesting book, and though it’s more theory than practical application, it does contain some interactive exercises (I mentioned one of them here). The book also contains a bit of history of positive psychology and Seligman’s career, as well as a defense of positive psychology against critics.

What I took from the book was the idea that well-being was a broader, richer concept than simple “happiness,” and that you can have well-being without constantly feeling cheerful or “happy.” I don’t believe it’s possible—or even desirable—to feel happy all the time. I do, however, feel that pursing the elements of PERMA will help you build a more deeply satisfying—and, yes, happier—life.

“What you think ‘the real world’ is is composed directly of the stuff you see and read. If you choose to read awful things, you’re going to think you live in an awful world.”

—Leonie Dawson

“Everything natural—every flower, tree, and animal—has important lessons to teach us if we would only stop, look, and listen.”—Eckhart Tolle

I’ve had various pets nearly all my life. Aside from their cuteness and cuddleability, pets can be expert teachers of life lessons (and if you doubt me, check out the delightful book Guardians of Being). Currently, I have one elderly dog, a “teenage” kitten, and a middle-aged horse. They’ve taught me many, many things (including don’t wear any clothes to the barn you’re not prepared to ruin, and no, the kitchen counter is not tall enough to keep food away from either the kitten OR the dog…). 

Here are a few of my favorite life lessons from my pets:

From Prudy:

There is a time for play and a time for cuddling. Know your priorities and stick to them.

The world is to be explored.

Like everyone until they prove unlikable.

Assume everyone likes you until proven otherwise.

From Scout:

Do everything joyfully: get up in the morning, go to bed at night, eat, announce your presence to the world.

Sleep when you’re tired, even if something interesting is going on elsewhere.

Don’t put up with bull$&@, but only do as much as you have to to get it to stop—don’t overreact.

From Tank:

You can make huge progress by taking many small steps.

Relationship is more important—and ultimately more satisfying—than tricks or blind obedience.

Hold out for your favorite treats. Spit out the ones you don’t like. Don’t waste time (or calories) on them.

Don’t let the turkeys get you down. 

Animals live in the moment. They don’t worry about what might happen tomorrow, or what the dog next door has, or what the horses in the next paddock might be saying behind their backs. Seems like some pretty valuable wisdom to me.

Have you learned any life lessons from an unusual source?

Welcome back to Field Trip Friday! This installment takes us to one of my new favorite central Florida locations: Bok Tower Gardens and Pinewood Estate in Lake Wales. My partner in adventure, Laure Ferlita, and I drove out there just before New Year’s to see the estate decorated for the holidays and wander through the beautiful gardens. I’ve been to Bok Tower before, but not since my son was a baby, and I’d never been to Pinewood Estate. We wandered slowly through the gardens and the home, sketched outside while drinking hot chai tea, ate lunch at the café and browsed the gift shop. We completely lost track of time and stayed for more than six hours! Though many things were blooming even in December, I want to go back in the spring for peak bloom season. 

Bok Tower Gardens

Most visitors to central Florida have heard of Busch Gardens, Sea World and Disney World—but probably not Bok Tower Gardens. Bok Tower is a totally different experience, a haven of beauty and peace in contrast to the craziness of the theme parks. The gardens were the project of Edward W. Bok, a successful publisher and Pulizer Prize-winning author. The 50-acre gardens were designed by Frederick Law Olmstead Jr. “to be a contemplative and informal woodland setting.” Crews laid irrigation pipes and brought in rich soil to create the conditions for a subtropical garden. After that, bushes and trees were planted, not only for their beauty, but to provide food for migrating birds. These plantings now provide shade for visitors as well as food and shelter for squirrels and other small creatures, and 126 bird species. The gardens house ferns, palms, oaks, pines, azaleas, magnolias, more than 150 types of camellias and many other blooming plants.

As lovely as the gardens are, the most striking and unusual feature of Bok Tower Gardens is the 205-foot marble and coquina “Singing Tower” that houses a 60-bell carillon. Carillon music is still played daily. To learn more about the carillon, click here. To actually hear it being played, click here. Mr. Bok is actually buried at the base of the tower.

Bok, who immigrated with his family from the Netherlands when he was six years old, presented the gardens to the American people in 1929 in gratitude for the opportunities he had been given. He did his best to live up to the advice given to him by his grandmother: “Make you the world a bit better or more beautiful because you have lived in it.” I’m now curious about Mr. Bok, and would like to read his autobiography. 

You can read more about Bok Tower Gardens by clicking here, or reading Bok Tower Gardens: America’s Taj Mahal. 

Pinewood Estate

Pinewood Estate was built in the early 1930s for Charles Austin Buck, a Bethlehem Steel vice president. The 20-room Mediterranean-style mansion has a barrel-tile roof, beautifully carved doors and woodwork, and is situated to provide a natural flow from house to garden. (Buck was an amateur horticulturist and had the gardens laid out first, and the home positioned later.) I don’t know if it was just the holiday decorations, but I thought the home had a warm and friendly feeling, in contrast to the mansions in Newport, RI. 

Each room was decorated for the holidays by volunteers and sponsored designers, and you could vote for your favorite room at the end of the self-guided tour. Volunteers and a historian were available to answer questions. My favorite room:

In 1970, Edward Bok’s daughter-in-law, Nellie Lee Holt Bok, led an effort to acquire Pinewood Estate (then called “El Retiro”) for Bok Tower Gardens, and the mansion was restored and opened to the public.

The last thing we did before heading home was visit the “Window By the Pond,” a small wooden building with a large window overlooking a Florida bog setting. We sat quietly watching birds feasting on the seed left for them, an anhinga drying its wings, and one intrepid squirrel who jumped over the water to where the seed was placed.

Every time we take a field trip, we wonder why we don’t do it more often. Yes, it takes a bit more effort to find someplace of interest and get ourselves there than it does to meet at Panera for lunch, but it’s always worth the effort to fill the well. (And if you’re wondering about the sketches, as usual, mine is unfinished—and lucky to even be started. I forgot to bring paint, and had to borrow from Laure! But I did take a reference photo and plan to finish soon. Really!)