Over the past couple of years, we’ve been supported by two different chapters of Hospice, first with Carol and then with my mom. I can’t say enough good things about Hospice—I couldn’t have managed without their help. Both Hospice chapters have sent me materials to help with grief and other pertinent topics for the families of people who are sick or dying. I’d like to share one of them with you today—it’s a story I hadn’t heard before, and I still think about it often.

A Carrot, an Egg, and a Cup of Coffee

(Anonymous)

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed that as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to a boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil, without saying a word.

After 20 minutes, she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out, placed the eggs in a bowl out and then ladled the coffee into a cup.

Turning to her daughter, she asked, “Tell me, what do you see?”

“Carrots, eggs, and coffee,” the young woman replied.

Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to break an egg. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she inhaled its rich aroma. The daughter asked what it meant.

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity—boiling water. But each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile, its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting in the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

“Which are you?” she asked her daughter. “When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?”

Which are you? Are you the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do you wilt and become soft and lose your strength? Are you the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did you have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, or maybe a financial hardship become hardened and stiff? Does your shell look the same, but on the inside are you bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?

Or are you like the coffee bean? When the water gets hot, the coffee bean releases its fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, do you get better and change the situation around you and make it better? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

We all know people who have been embittered by trouble and grief—and we all know people who have grown through their suffering and become something beautiful to behold. I do not judge those who have been hardened by adversity or broken by it, but I don’t want to be one of them. I’m trying my best to “be the coffee.” 

Photo by Jen Theodore on Unsplash

It’s no secret that I love a good list. In addition to ordinary to-do lists, I make seasonal fun lists, list of books I want to read, and more. I even have a “Do Not Do” list. 

(Maybe I love lists a little too much?) 

“Attack of the Killer Lists” notwithstanding, I think lists can be a good way to corral things you want to remember, provide you with alternatives to less healthy activities, even be a source of happiness and uplift in and of themselves. These lists are fun to make!

Here are 15 Happy Little Lists you could make:

1. Happy Little Things—keep a running list of all the little things that make you happy. It might be only one each day, week, or month, but over time, that list will grow. (An alternative to the Happiness jar.) 
2. Favorite calming and soothing activities for when you start to feel stressed out. Having this ready ahead of time can keep you from crashing and burning.
3. Places you want to travel. I’ve started a five-year travel wish list because I’m not getting younger or fitter, and time is not slowing down.
4. Possible little adventures and big adventures you could schedule each week (from Laura Vanderkam’s book Tranquility by Tuesday.)
5. 100 dreams, also a Laura Vanderkam idea. 
6. Short, fun activities you can do when you have a few free minutes and you don’t want to scroll your phone.
7. Books/movies/music you want to consume this year. What new artists are you interested in, and what movies or books are you looking forward to this year?
8. Places you want to explore, or restaurants you want to try in your hometown. A good way to support local small businesses as well as have some fun!
9. Quintessential [insert your home state] experiences—beyond your hometown. In Florida, these might include visiting Disney, eating key lime pie, hitting the beach, wearing shorts in February, seeing an alligator in the wild, visiting the Everglades. What makes your state unique? If you moved out of your state, is there anything you’d regret not seeing or doing?
10. Best dining experiences you’ve ever had. What made them so special? I’m thinking of a dinner at The Olde Pink House in Savannah, GA. Savoring happy memories, whether of a meal or some other experience, increases enjoyment of life.
11. Favorite books/movies/music. Maybe it’s time to revisit them?
12. People who inspire you to be the best and happiest version of yourself. Who do you care about who you don’t want to disappoint? Who would you like to emulate?
13. Things you’re looking forward to. Maybe it’s a summer vacation, a visit with family, or even an afternoon spent doing only what you want to do.
14. Things you want to learn. Maybe you want to try a new hobby, learn a new language, or figure out how to do a simple home repair. Learning new things is sooo good for our brains and our mood. 
15. Tiny ways to treat yo-self.

 What would you add to this list of lists?

Photo by Javier Allegue Barros on Unsplash

“The way we think about growth often has us laser-focused on the end goal. Yes, we might be aware of the steps that it takes to get what we want, but we think about grinding our way through them in lieu of a process we actually enjoy. When you think about your goals, take into consideration not only the objective itself but the journey of reaching it. Ask yourself: Will I like the ways that I’ll change along this path? Do I like the process of learning, of supporting others, of working with new people? Reflection can help you get clear on why you’re prioritizing certain goals and if they’re really representative of the life you want for yourself.”

—Isabelle Eyman, “We Can’t Be Productive Every Day—So Why Do We Continue to Glorify It?”

Tomorrow will mark the one-year anniversary of my mother-in-law’s death. This week I’ve been mulling over what I might write about her to mark this milestone. I had no time to process her passing and write about it because I was immediately thrust into the trauma and chaos of my own mom’s last illness and death, but Carol was an important person to me. She was always loving and welcoming, and I can count only a few times when we disagreed or were at odds.

I’ve thought a lot about grief this year, trying to feel it without being undone by it. Trying to understand the process and work with it to heal. I like this passage about mourning, from George E. Vaillant’s book Aging Well: “Counselors sometimes forget that the psychodynamic work of mourning is often more to remember lost loves than to say good-bye. The primate brain is constructed to retain, not relinquish, love…. No one whom we have ever loved is totally lost. That is the blessing, as well as the curse, of memory. Grief hurts, but does not—in the absence of conflict—make us ill. What is more, just as rivers expose buried geologic strata, so may the erosion of living uncover life-saving memories of love, formerly obscured by pain, resentment, or immaturity.”   

In my experience, once I’m past the initial searing pain of loss, remembering loved ones does bring comfort and joy.

Our family all has favorite memories and stories about Carol. She loved to share “life lessons,” and every one of us has been on the receiving end of these. I especially enjoyed her quirky humor, her eagerness to help others, as well as her spirit of curiosity and adventure. She loved to travel, and it was at her suggestion that she, my husband, son, and I rented an apartment in Manhattan in 2007 for a quick Christmastime getaway, one of our happiest family memories. My husband traveled to China with her in 2006, and she and I took a two-week trip to Greece, also in 2007.

Carol in Greece

She also taught me to value and respect things of the home, to remain a lifelong learner (one of the last gifts I gave her was a book about physics for the layperson—she was fascinated by the subject), and being around her so much for the last years of her life made me realize how little we understand and respect our elders here in the U.S. She made me kinder.

Last night I came across the following on Instagram. It made me think of her—she absolutely would talk to anyone and she had a spirit that embraced life fully, the good and the bad. I think she would fully agree with these sentiments:

        Darling, go ahead and just love your life.

        Take pictures of everything. Capture the

        moments, big and small, that make you feel

        alive. Tell people you love them. And mean

        it- truly mean it. Talk to random strangers.

        Learn their stories. Do all the things that

        you're afraid of and stop playing small.

        Stop being worried about all that

        can go wrong when the only thing that

        matters is all the magic that could go right.

        There is so much life to be lived. So much

        love to receive. Open yourself up. Bloom.

        ~ Alysha Waghorn

This post is for Larry, Mary Lynn, James, Sarah, Richard, and Sam. I love you all, and I wish you comfort and healing today and every day. We miss you, Carol.

Photo by Harper Sunday on Unsplash

Seven years ago, I wrote a post called “Treat Yo’Self: 25 Simple Pleasures to Brighten Your Day.” It’s time to update that list, and since my “support” words for 2024 are restore and gentle, this post will emphasize gentle, restorative ideas—with a few active ideas thrown in for the days when you’re feeling more energetic!

I still highly recommend taking naps, buying fresh flowers, sipping hot drinks, and lounging in fresh sheets, but here are 10 more simple pleasures to brighten your day. (I have no affiliation with any brands mentioned—I just like them.) 

1. Soak in hot water—in a bath, shower, or if you’re lucky, a spa or hot spring. Let all the knots in your muscles unwind.
2. Give your hands and feet some TLC. Rich lotion, self-massage (try rolling a tennis ball under your foot), a manicure, a pedicure. My fingernails almost always look ragged and uneven, so I’m setting aside time on Sunday evenings to take care of them, even if that only means pulling out a nail file.
3. Burn a seasonal scented candle. Changing up scented candles with the seasons has been surprisingly fun. I’m currently alternating a fir-scented candle and Yankee Candle’s Jack Frost.
4. Make a seasonal fun list. I got this idea from Laura Vanderkam, and I love how it forces me to think ahead about what fun things I can do each season. I haven’t made my winter fun list yet, and winter is fast slipping away! 
5. Go to the county or state fair. I’ve always had a soft spot for state fairs, and Florida’s state fair just started. I haven’t attended for a few years, so maybe this weekend… 
6. Spend some time in a room lit only by candles. Combine with number 1 on this list, or sit in the glow of the flame and just be.
7. Find some really good pens to write with. These are my current favorites. 
8. Make yourself a special breakfast. One of my favorites is toasted sourdough bread topped with melted smoked cheese, mashed avocado, and an over-easy egg.
9. Tell someone you love them. I’ve really been missing my mom this week and wish I could tell her I love her one more time.
10. Lean in to your favorite hobby. Allow yourself to daydream about it, set aside time to do it, and if appropriate, buy yourself something that will help you do it better/easier/with more enjoyment.

Go forth and treat yo’self!

What would you add to this list?